spouse about your finances: there are
other, less-talked behaviors that are just as
destructive to a marriage ― and you and
your partner are probably guilty of some of
them.
Below, marriage therapists share six
behaviors that can silently kill a marriage.
1. You don't maintain friendship outside
the marriage
Spending time together as a couple is
important, but don’t let your friendships
fall to the wayside in favor of yet another
night of takeout and Netflix. It’s unrealistic
to depend on your S.O. to fulfill all your
socialization needs; giving each other
space by heading out for girl’s night out or
a meetup with the guys could do your
marriage some good, said Ryan Howes,
a psychologist in Pasadena, California.
“It’s so important for both of you to build
and sustain friendships with others,” he
said. “Through your friends, you can gain
other experiences, perspectives and support
that may actually enhance your
relationship. You have to have confidants
outside the relationship.”
2. You underestimate the need for touch
If you rarely reach out and touch each
other ― or have reached the point where
you only have “special occasion
sex” (birthdays, anniversaries and
vacations) ―it may be time to address the
elephant in the bedroom: You’re well on
your way to a sexless, passionless
marriage, said Debra Campbell, a
psychologist and couple’s therapist in
Melbourne, Australia.
“You don’t have to be having sex every
day, but some kind of near-daily sexual or
erotic acknowledgement is important in
relationships,” she said. “It might be the
slightest touch; it’s not always about
orgasms and getting hot and sweaty.”
In a long-time relationship, Campbell said,
partners need to remind each other that
they’re still wanted.
“You need to know that nobody else in your
partner’s life is their chosen lover or
compares to you.”
3. Your couple friends are a bad influence
While it’s important to maintain close
friendships, surrounding yourself with
the wrong type of friends could negatively
affect the health of your relationship,
said Laura Heck, a marriage and family
therapist in Salt Lake City, Utah and the
creator of the online couples therapy
series for Better.
“Your friend’s actions are actively
influencing your marriage, whether you
realize it or not,” she said. “In private, do
your friends complain or vent their
frustrations about their partner? Do your
friends flirt or hit on others behind their
partner’s back? Bad relationships and
boundaries are toxic and are actively at
play in changing your own habits.”
On the other hand, surrounding yourself
with married people who practice healthy
boundaries can benefit you and your
partner, Heck said.
“You need to take inventory of the
relationships in your inner circle and be
intentional about how you choose to allow
these relationships to influence your
mindset, for better or for worse,” she said.
4. You don't help clean up around the
house
When your spouse is responsible for the
lion’s share of the laundry and cleaning,
it’s bound to create resentment and hinder
your connection. In fact, a 2015 study from
the University of Alberta found that
couples who didn’t split chores had less
relationship satisfaction and less sex than
couples who divvied up their chores.
As Howes has seen firsthand, the question
of who’s tidying up may not be a big issue
at the start of a relationship but it tends
to become a major point of contention
later on.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re the clean one or
the messy one, what matters is whether or
not the clean partner can flex and the
messy partner can clean up once in a
while,” he said. “Resentments can build
over time so it pays to have an honest
discussion about your priorities regarding
the orderliness of your home.”
5. You don't sit down and talk about your
relationship
Thoughtful, engaging communication ― not
just “how was your day, babe?” and “what
are our plans this weekend”? ― is essential
for love to last, said Liz Higgins, a
Dallas, Texas-based couples therapist who
works primarily with millennials.
“Having intentional conversations about
your relationship means asking deeper,
more open-ended questions: ‘What did we
do well at as a couple today?’ ‘What is
something I did today to contribute to our
relationship?’ ‘What is something I can do
for you?’ ‘When did you feel the most
connected with or loved by me today?’”
Higgins explained.
Broaching these kinds of conversations
may feel a little awkward at first, but over
time, you’ll see the value.
“I encourage the couples I work with to
implement time once a week to come
together and talk solely about their
relationship,” she said. “Once you start,
you’ll notice it often bypasses the need to
get defensive, angry or disconnected with
one another.”
6. You feel more and more like roomates
Roommate syndrome is a silent but
common relationship killer, Heck
said. When you’ve reached roommate
status, you feel like you’re living parallel
lives, connected only through your shared
space, bank accounts and kids.
“When you’ve fallen into the lock-step of
living as roommates, you must be very
intentional about shaking up your routine
and bringing back the fire and passion to
the relationship,” Heck said.
To inject some novelty into the
relationship, Heck recommends couples
make a concerted effort to spend time
together by working on a passion project
as a team.
“It needs to be something both partners
have energy and excitement around,” she
said. “Maybe it’s flipping and remodeling a
home, starting Crossfit together, finally
take that RV out on the weekends or
learning to cook vegan. Figure out what
works for the two of you and then do it.”
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